Postnatal Depression: My Story

When I had my first child, nothing could have prepared me for how I would feel. After 9 months of waiting, my daughter Naima had finally arrived and everything should have been perfect. Except it wasn't. 

The overwhelming feeling of love and joy that I expected to follow as she came into this world seemed to bypass me and instead I was left feeling empty and angry. These aren't emotions a person would normally associate with meeting their baby for the first time but that's how it was for me. It seems like such a horrible thing to say and I did question writing and sharing this as I would hate for anyone to think that this is how I feel about Naima today, because its not. They say time is a healer and with time, my love for her grew as she did. I love my daughter more than anything, however it doesn't take away from my experience as a new mother and how much I wish my first memories of her were not tarnished with these negative emotions.

"People will forget what you said, people will forget for you did but they will always remember how you made them feel" - Maya Angelou

Whilst my labour was straight forward with no major complications, I attribute what I encountered during that time to causing my postnatal depression. My memory of the birth has become somewhat hazy over time although, I do remember my appointed midwife conducted herself with as much warmth and compassion as a robot and subsequently left me feeling scared, frustrated and helpless.

Having PND is not something I would wish on anyone however it's something I am no longer ashamed about so I decided to share my story in the hope it can help someone else.

If you would like to hear more about what I went through afterwards then you can check out the latest video on my YouTube channel where I talk about realising I had post natal depression, how it was for me and how I came out the other side.

Lou xxx

10 Years Of Love And Life

This year my husband and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and it's something that I'm pretty proud of. Anyone who is married or has a long term partner will know, as much as life as half of a duo can be amazing, it can also be challenging.

After getting married in our early twenties, our first child came along a few months later. We went from being young and carefree to adulting pretty quickly and we've had many things thrown at us along the way, some of which have changed us massively, both individually and as a couple. When you decide to spend the rest of your life with a person, the hope is that you grow together and want the same things from life, even after time has passed. In some ways we have evolved into very different people from those on our first date, however the vision we have for our family and life together remain the same. I believe this is what has carried us through the good and the bad.

Over the years there have been many amazing memories made and also experiences I'd happily never go through again.

We've had crazy nights out and some painful mornings after. We've felt the fear/joy of becoming first time parents and learning on the job. We've survived newborns and navigated our way through days blurry eyed. We've celebrated milestones between us and witnessed friends and family do the same. Those are moments to be cherished.

When times get hard, it's very easy to compare your partnership to others. Though as you experience your own relationship and get an insight to that of those around you, you soon become aware that the image people portray on social media or around acquaintances is not necessarily the reality of what goes on behind closed doors.

That snapshot of what you think a successful relationship looks like, most likely doesn't even exist in real life. Once I understood that people tend to wear a mask to deal with the world outside their four walls, I became more focused on the positives in our life instead of looking to other ideals for a step by step guide to a successful marriage when things get tricky.

(Throw back to  2011)

A decade on, with three kids and life getting busier by the day, we don't get a lot of one on one time together. As baby number one was conceived on the only holiday we'd ever had as a couple, my husband and I decided to go Barcelona for three nights, just the two of us, as a way of celebrating our marriage milestone. As a mother it was daunting leaving the kids, as a wife who missed being spontaneous with her partner in crime, it was fun and as human being who likes to eat, sleep and pee uninterrupted, it was bliss! If you want to see what we got up to on our trip, you can catch parts one and two of our Barcelona anniversary celebrations here on my Youtube channel or simply scroll down below.

If I could pass on any words of wisdom when it comes to being in a long term relationship (keeping in mind, I'm not all that wise!), I would say this:

Fairy tales don't exist, no one is perfect and life can really suck at times.  As long as you find someone you can laugh with through the rough times, the good times will come and you can deal with the imperfections of life together.

Lou xxx